


i could lay here with you and watch the world turn, never say a word

by nachtelang



Category: VALORANT (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, honestly idk, they go on a mission and have a deep talk, they sleep on opposite sides of the bed and wake up in each others' arms, this is so self indulgent it hurts, what more do you want me to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachtelang/pseuds/nachtelang
Summary: “You know,” Cypher began, “I haven’t shared a bed with anyone in years. Last time I shared a bed was… with her.”Killjoy shrugged, giving him a quick nod. “Same here, um… Does this… Did I remind you of something sad?”“No, it– you’re fine, Killjoy. This… This is alright.”
Relationships: Cypher/Killjoy (VALORANT)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	i could lay here with you and watch the world turn, never say a word

**Author's Note:**

> in which killjoy and cypher are sent on a mission where they have to stay overnight, the motel only has one bed, and they talk a lot of hurt and comfort. see the end of the fanfic for more notes.

Killjoy walked into the motel lobby almost sluggishly, trying her best not to groan from how tired she was. Her whole body ached, and she felt like she was going to melt into a pile of goo at any possible moment. Cypher followed her promptly, not making as much of a display compared to Killjoy’s exasperation, but she could tell he was just as exhausted from how quiet he'd become, not even cracking a joke on their way to the motel. He huffed, not bothering to make any witty remarks as the two of them approached the front desk, expectantly awaiting the room Brimstone had booked for them.

Just moments ago, the two had been on a stakeout mission at Split, spying on the Kingdom Corporation in the hopes of gathering some new intel that they could bring back to base. Killjoy had managed to intercept one of Kingdom’s communication lines, and she was able to figure out that there was going to be a massive radianite load being shipped to Bind in a couple weeks. That was all they had to go off of, however, so Brimstone decided to send her and Cypher out into the field in the hopes that they would be able to learn more.

Duelists like Phoenix, Jett, and _especially_ Raze wouldn’t have been good for a recon mission like this. It wasn’t like this particular mission required too much firepower anyways; so long as she and Cypher didn’t get caught, they wouldn’t have to shoot. Killjoy was confident enough that Cypher would be able to take care of anyone that tried to stand in their way anyways.

“Good evening. How can I help you two?” The receptionist lady greeted them, putting on a smile. Cypher greeted her back with a tip of his hat, and by the way the little eye holes on his mask crinkled a bit, Killjoy could tell he was trying to give her a smile.

“I believe we’ve a room booked? For two, on behalf of a man named Brimstone.” Cypher responded, leaning back against the desk as the receptionist searched her files for a name that matched. Her eyes lit up when she found it, and she smiled and nodded, reaching for a room key before handing it to Cypher.

“You’re on the third floor,” she began, and both sentinels could see she was trying to stifle back a giggle. Whatever was so humorous to her, however, was something the two of them were still questioning. “Please enjoy your stay, and have a nice night.”

The two of them thanked the receptionist and walked over to the elevator, stepping in. They leaned against the elevator walls opposite from the other, Killjoy slipping her hands into her pockets as her shoulders slumped. Cypher crossed his arms, drawing an inactivated tripwire from his sleeve before juggling it between his fingers as he always did. Killjoy couldn’t help but watch, mesmerized by how smoothly his fingers moved.

The elevator ride was quiet for a moment. Only a moment, because Killjoy’s curiosity was going to get the better of her eventually.

“So…” Killjoy began, humming to herself, “why do you think that receptionist was laughing?”

Cypher drew his attention from the tripwire between his fingers and gazed up at Killjoy, shrugging. He let out a huff of air and shook his head.

“Who knows,” he began, stowing his tripwire away for safekeeping as the elevator reached their stop. “I suppose we’ll just have to wait and find out, right?”

As the elevator came to its stop, the two of them stepped out and made their way to their room. They glanced at each other one last time, Killjoy nodding to Cypher that he could open the door, to which he agreed by sliding the key into its keyhole before twisting the doorknob open. The two of them stepped into the room, and there was only one thing that caught their attention the moment they entered.

Everything about the room was as average as it could get; the walls were a bland shade of beige, and the lamp on the nightstand looked like it was going to run out of power any second now. On the other nightstand was a phone with a chord that was so old fashioned it looked like it belonged in a different era. and between the two nightstands was one huge queen sized bed.

One bed. There was _only one bed._

Killjoy let out an audible groan, disappointedly shaking her head. Brimstone must have booked them a room with only one bed by accident. She turned to Cypher who looked just as exasperated as she did, and she let out another long, worn-out sounding sigh.

“Want me to call Brimstone?” Killjoy offered. Cypher shrugged and nodded.

“If it isn't too much trouble.” He replied, quietly shutting the door behind them before making his way to the bed and taking a seat. Killjoy nodded and pulled out her cellphone, dialling back to headquarters as quickly as she could.

After two rings, someone finally picked up. The voice on the other end was calm, tranquil even, and she spoke with an elegance Killjoy could just _feel_ , despite her not being there in person.

“Killjoy? Is everything alright? Did something happen to you and Cypher?” Sage inquired, sounding worried, concerned even. She was always the type to worry about the others’ wellbeings. It made Killjoy feel a lot better, knowing she really cared.

“No, we’re both safe and sound, just…” Remembering the matter at hand, Killjoy sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that night, rubbing her temples frustratedly. “Brimstone booked us a room for the night, but, like, it– it’s only got one bed. Can you ask him about that? Was that a mistake? Can you, like… _do_ something about it?”

On the other end of the line, Sage hummed, trying to figure out a solution. Killjoy waited, turning to look at Cypher, who was gazing back up at her, awaiting a response. After a brief moment of silence Sage returned to the phone.

“Sorry, it doesn't look like there's much I can do… the other rooms at the motel you two are at are all booked, and any other motels are either much farther away from Split, or would possibly draw too much attention to the two of you. Sorry to ask this, but… please just make do for now, alright?”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Killjoy thanked Sage for her efforts before hanging up. She turned to look at Cypher, who could already tell from the look on Killjoy’s face that they were going to have to figure something out about their room situation on their own.

The room remained silent for a bit before Cypher spoke up, pointing to the small sofa chair across from the bed.

“I can sleep there, if you want.” He offered, turning his head to look at Killjoy. “Bed’s all yours. You can have it.”

Killjoy stared at him almost wide eyed before shaking her head, taking her beanie off as she stepped closer to the bed.

“Are you _kidding_ me, Cypher? This bed is _huge,_ ” she replied, taking a seat beside him. It wasn't the comfiest bed, sure, but calling it huge may have been an understatement. This bed looked like it could fit five people. “What kind of friend would I be, making you sleep on that teeny little sofa while I sleep in this massive bed all by myself?”

The eye holes of his mask crinkled again, and this time, Killjoy smiled back at him. Cypher let out a chuckle, his voice husky as ever beneath that mask of his.

“My thanks, little engineer. You’re too kind.” Cypher nodded, “here, I’ll sleep on one end, and you can sleep on the other. We can just… face away from each other?”

Killjoy smiled at him and clasped her hands together before standing up once more.

“I like that idea!” She agreed, walking over to the little washroom stall the room had. “Now, if you don't mind, I have dibs on the shower. This mission’s made me feel sore all over…”

Cypher couldn't help but chuckle softly as he nodded, watching her shuffle into the bathroom before sighing and slowly turning his head to look back at the bed. The _one_ bed. He still hadn't gotten over that.

He hadn't shared a bed with anyone since Nora. Of course, if he had asked one of the other agents to share a bed with him, they’d probably think he was out of his mind… but this just felt so out of his comfort zone. Yet now he had been forced into this situation, and not wanting to turn down Killjoy’s kindness, he’d agreed to share a bed with her.

Thoughts raced through his head at a mile a minute. Memories of his previous life, and of the people he'd loved so dearly, that he'd lost so viciously and so _suddenly_ to First Light. He buried his face in his palms, resting his elbows on his thighs as he slumped over. He’d rather not think about that now. There was hardly any point crying over the dead, when it was out of his control. He’d shed enough tears for them to last him a lifetime when he originally lost them.

He took his hat off and tossed it onto the sofa. Laughed when he nearly missed. Then he fell back onto the bed and turned to face the wall, lost in thoughts, seemingly alone.

—

Killjoy got to the bed a little later. Cypher estimated it to have been about fifteen minutes. She sat on the edge of the bed, turning to face Cypher, who laid there still, completely motionless. Killjoy thought he might’ve already been asleep.

“Cypher?” She murmured softly under her breath. The man stirred, waving a hand to signal he was still awake. “The bathroom’s all yours, if you wanna use it.”

He hummed and sat up, a little sluggish. Now that they were alone, Killjoy could practically _see_ the exhaustion running through his bones. She felt a little bad, furrowing her brow as she crawled onto the bed to get a little closer to him.

“Cypher? Are you–” She reached a hand out to touch him, and her fingers had barely grazed his shoulder before he had flinched away from her touch. Killjoy recoiled, worried she had upset him, scared him even.

“Sorry, sorry, I–”

“N-No, you’re alright. I just– Tired. Still a little tired.” His voice was low, deep, yet it made Killjoy’s heart still. Cypher sounded so… tired, like he had said? No, that wasn’t quite right.

Sad. He sounded _defeated_ , even. Like his losses were catching up to him. She pulled away, back to her side of the bed, and let him be. Watched as he stood up and made his way to the restroom. Then she laid down, pulled the covers over herself, and tried shutting her eyes. Anything to feel like she hadn’t just upset Cypher.

—

Around two in the morning, a soft voice broke the silence, a silence that felt like it was going to last an eternity. Without turning to face him, Killjoy spoke softly, but it was audible enough for Cypher to hear.

“Cypher? Are– Are you still awake…?”

When she didn’t get a response right away, she nearly sat up, nearly turned to look at him. But that all too familiar and accented voice replied to her quietly,

“... Can’t sleep either, little engineer?”

That was nearly enough to make Killjoy giggle. She figured he would still be awake as well. Both of them were night owls; Killjoy knew Cypher was one too from all the times she’d walked past his room and heard him tinkering with his own gadgets, and how he would stay up until the early hours of the morning, somehow convincing Brimstone he had just gotten up early. Sighing, the German engineer rustled a little beneath the covers, restless. Despite her exhaustion from the mission earlier, she just couldn’t lull herself to sleep.

“Yah, I’m not one for sleep. Would rather stay up and mess around with my sentry, but… Can’t be sleepy on the mission tomorrow.” The tone of her voice made her sound like she was rolling her eyes in disappointment; Cypher could tell. He chuckled softly– a sound that warmed Killjoy’s heart.

“So? What’s keeping you up right now?” Cypher inquired, curiosity getting the better of him. He and Killjoy hardly ever had any time alone like this, what with them being busy with their respective jobs back at the protocol. His intrigue stemmed from the fact that Killjoy always seemed to act so carefree; she was always so confident in her intelligence, bragging about how she had already thought of _everything_ that it never once crossed Cypher’s mind that _Killjoy_ of all people had _anything_ to worry about. It seems as though he had been mistaken. The girl on the other end of the bed let out a sigh, curling up, wrapping her arms around her knees to make herself feel small.

“I’m not bothering you, right?” Killjoy asked, just to confirm.

“No, you aren’t. We’re both awake anyways, so… Maybe talking will help us fall asleep.” Cypher answered, and that made her feel a little better.

“Promise?” She asked one more time, just to _really_ make sure.

“Promise.” He reassured her again, and then Killjoy let a long, drawn out sigh slip past her lips.

“Do you, um… Do you ever feel guilty, for making it out alive, when other people didn’t? Do you ever feel like… like, maybe you don’t _deserve_ to be alive, if it meant other people had to lose their lives for you?”

The room was silent for a bit. Cypher had to process the words she had just spoken. That was the _last_ thing he expected her to say, and yet… Cypher couldn’t help but understand. Understand where she was coming from. Understand her pain, her _guilt._ A soft chuckle broke that silence, and nearly prompted Cypher to turn around. But at the sound of held back sobs that quickly followed suite, he stilled himself, and remained in place.

“I do think about that. As much as you would expect someone like _me_ to.” He murmured, turning to lay on his back instead of facing her. He stared up at the ceiling for what felt like ages before he spoke again. His brain was filled with memories of her that nearly made him wish he could scream. “It’s… not easy, I know that much. But… when I think about her, I know she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, as guilty as I may _want_ to feel, and… Those you’ve lost. I don’t think they’d want to see you crying or feeling guilty either.”

Her smile flashed in his mind, and he nearly winced. That shade of her flowing hair, and how she could smile as if nothing was ever wrong. How bad he missed her, how bad he wanted to hold her in his arms. What he would have done to hear Nora’s voice again, even if it was just one last time.

Killjoy sniffled, finally turning to look at Cypher. Cypher finally turned his head to face her, and they gazed at each other for a moment before Killjoy smiled at him gently, despite looking like it was a struggle for her to do so. Perhaps she was trying to force it, so Cypher wouldn’t worry, because the tears streaming down her cheeks seemed to tell him a different story.

He reached out a hand, and looked to Killjoy for her approval. She didn’t pull away, didn’t flinch, so Cypher took the opportunity to wipe the tears from her cheeks with his thumb. He sighed, turning his body over so he was facing her, too. And then it was silent again, but it was a comfortable silence as they looked at each other, exhaustion slowly starting to creep up on the both of them.

“You know,” Cypher began, “I haven’t shared a bed with anyone in _years._ Last time I shared a bed was… with her.”

Killjoy shrugged, giving him a quick nod. “Same here, um… Does this… Did _I_ remind you of something sad?”

“No, it– you’re fine, Killjoy. This… This is alright.”

The way he said her name made her feel warm all over for no reason in particular. She smiled again, yet this time Cypher could tell it was real, and that she was genuinely content. Slowly, her eyelids slid shut, and she nuzzled her head into the pillow, lips pressed together,

“Thank you, Cypher.” Killjoy spoke drowsily, finally feeling like she could sleep in peace. “Goodnight, and, um… I– I’m really glad you’re here.”

Cypher brushed strands of hair out of her face before turning onto his back, resting the back of his head on his hands, the ceiling the last thing he saw before falling into slumber.

“You’re welcome, little engineer.” He murmured, “you sleep well, too.”

—

When the light hit her eyes, and she could feel herself waking up, she found herself in the embrace of another person. _A dream, perhaps,_ she thought to herself, and buried her face deeper into the crook of the other person’s neck. She thought of how her mother used to hold her when she was having a nightmare, or how she’d cling to her father when she was still getting used to sleeping in the dark. It made her feel calm, tranquil, even, and she nearly fell back into her peaceful sleep, feeling alright with remaining in this dream once more, wrapping her own arms around the person holding her.

Then she felt the arms around her pull her closer, and the sound of light snoring filled her ears. And Killjoy remembered that there was only one other person in the bed, and froze. Her eyes went wide, and slowly she turned her head up, and was met with a masked face. Her voice hitched in her throat when she realized this wasn’t a dream.

Her brain felt like it was working overtime. What should she do? Should she move, and dare disturb Cypher’s slumber? Push him away and wake him up forcefully? No, that last one would have been rude. Cypher looked calmer than Killjoy had ever seen him; whatever he was dreaming of, it must have been keeping him at ease.

She could barely make out words he mumbled beneath his breath, soft, sweet nothings, and the name she couldn’t make out that started with an _N._ Killjoy had an idea of who the name must have belonged to. Even more of a reason to not wake Cypher.

Assessing the situation more, Killjoy soon came to realize there wasn’t really anything she could do without waking him anyways. Their legs were a tangled mess, and Cypher was holding her so close to him, and yet his embrace was gentle– as if he would shatter her to a million pieces if he held her any tighter.

So she waited, and soon enough, she realized how _tired_ she had truly been. It wasn’t the crack of dawn yet, right? They had time, and this was… nice. Perhaps Cypher would react differently when he woke up, and if he never wanted to speak about it again, that would be fine. But Killjoy liked this, realized how _bad_ she missed another person’s embrace while she slept, and let her exhaustion whisk her away into another peaceful sleep.

—

It was a different story when Cypher finally awoke.

The beady eye holes of his mask flickered to life slowly, groggily, even. He tried to move one of his arms, yet realized there was a weight atop it that prevented him from retracting his arm. He felt the small figure of a person in his arms, and the warmth of said person nuzzled into the crook of his neck, and everything felt fine. It all felt alright, like just another average morning with Nora. It was nearly enough to make him close his eyes again, when he caught sight of the bright yellow jacket he had his arms wrapped around.

He could feel himself sweat. His heartbeat quickened. This wasn’t Nora.

Cypher froze. He needed to collect his thoughts. Last he could recall, he was on a mission, and they were at a motel, and there had only been one bed—

Killjoy. He was holding _Killjoy._

Lifting his head a bit, he gazed over her sleeping face, admiring her features. The way her hair flowed over her face, strands draping over her forelid, brushing against her eyelids. She looked so calm, so peaceful… he reached out a hand to brush the strands from her face so he could admire her more. Had she always been this beautiful?

He’s always thought of Killjoy as just a kid, someone immature, yet up close like this, he could really appreciate how pretty she was, how grown up she really looked, really _was_. How long her eyelashes were, and how peaceful she looked pressed up against his chest...

A pause. His breath hitched in his throat. Why was he feeling like this?

Blinking, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes groggily, letting out a sigh. Usually he’d blame his lack of attentiveness on his lack of, well, _sleep._ But right now, he was feeling quite well rested. Rejuvenated, even. It had been a while since anyone had held them while he slept, since he held someone in his own arms like this. He was almost tempted to not get up.

Oh, but they had a mission. He’d have to disturb the little sleeping beauty in his arms at some point.

“Killjoy,” he mumbled softly, voice almost a whisper. “Wake up, little engineer, wake up.”

Placing a hand on her shoulder, he gently shook her, enough not to disrupt her too much. Killjoy yawned inaudibly, sluggishly raising a hand to rub the sleep from her eyes. She blinked, taking a moment to take in her surroundings before realizing that she was still in Cypher’s arms, still wrapped in his embrace. Her face burned a little, and she could feel the tips of her ears turn red. Flushed, Killjoy looked away, and that was enough signal for Cypher to draw away from her, carefully letting her go.

“Umm… G-Good morning.” Killjoy stuttered, awkwardly raising a hand to wave at Cypher while she continued to look away, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. Cypher couldn’t really blame her, though. He was just as flushed, the memory of how he held her in his arms as if she was the most fragile thing in the whole world still playing on loop in his mind.

“Same to you,” he responded, clearing his throat. And then it was quiet; not the same comfortable silence as last night, but the awkward kind, the kind of awkward silence that was layered on so thick you could cut it with a knife. Cypher coughed. Killjoy reached for her glasses and perched them atop the bridge of her nose as always, still flushed.

Then she scooted closer to him on the bed, and Cypher didn’t move away, didn’t recoil like he had the night before. Killjoy’s shoulders tensed.

“Oh, we, um… W-We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I… I can just forget about it, I won’t tell anyone, promise—”

“It— It’s alright, it— I, um…” Cypher could hardly get ahold of his thoughts as he attempted to speak, before finally settling on the words he wanted to say.

“Actually, I haven’t slept that well in _ages._ ” He admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Killjoy blinked, staring at him a little dumbfounded before she put on a smile, giggling softly. Cypher turned to look at her, a little confused at first before Killjoy gently laid her head on his shoulder. And once again, Cypher couldn’t pull away, couldn’t bring himself to. Now it wasn’t awkward anymore, it was just… fine. It was comfortable. _He_ thought it was comfortable.

“I’m glad,” Killjoy hummed, and Cypher let out an elated sigh. “I was going to say the same thing.”

And then it was silent again, but neither of them minded. Killjoy’s mind wandered, and Cypher allowed his thoughts to drift, and everything was alright. Neither of them really wanted to move until Killjoy’s phone began to ring. Right, they had a mission to do. Yet, neither of them moved a muscle for a moment, letting the phone ring once, twice, three times, before Killjoy eventually reached for it.

“Ready to go?” She asked Cypher, smiling warmly at him. Cypher tipped his hat to her before slowly standing him, shoulders slumping slightly.

Sure, things right now weren’t easy. He still missed those he lost, and he still wanted more than anything to see them, to be with them. There were days where he wished he, too, had died with them. Felt as if nothing was worth fighting for, as if there wasn’t a reason for him to keep going.

But the warmth of her smile, and how kind she was to him, in her own Killjoy kind of way made him feel like it would be alright. A smile like hers made him feel like there were days worth fighting for.

“Only if you are.” He replied, answering her in turn with a nod.

**Author's Note:**

> i started this SO long ago and just finished it tonight... or should i say this morning? it's 3 am, and i can't stop thinking about these two. i love them to absolute bits and pieces. this was really self indulgent because apparently i can't write fluff for these two without there also being plenty of hurt/comfort. someday i will write something happy for them, promise :"-))
> 
> also sorry if it feels like i went on long unnecessary tangents anywhere honestly i don't rlly know what im doing im just. indulging myself BHDSBFJHS
> 
> playlist that inspired this fanfic:  
> children — BIN  
> drifting away — khai dreams  
> aawake at night — half•alive  
> my oxygen — love-sadKID


End file.
